It’s a frightful thing, the power that music can have on my emotions. It’s a frightful thing, my emotions. When reason reigns, and feeling has no reason, then feeling only threatens. Feeling is responsible for the arbitrary associations I find in my neurology. A smell, a sound, a rush of memory. The object, for me, is forever tainted. And for what reason? Of course I do not want to subject myself to such randomness. I do not indulge. I love music. Therefore I do not listen to it. Indulgence is mindless. I have no control over the result. What new links are going to get created inside me that I had no say in allowing? Experience is a demon, always threatening to possess me. So I must stay on guard. Is it any wonder I don’t remember so much of my childhood? I did not allow it to possess me like a demon. I cut it short. Masterfully.<\/p>\n
I must stay on guard, because it’s a powerful beast. Atrophied, yet still it heaves with terrible strength. If I’m careful, I can keep the noise loud enough to drown out its breathing. When it does come through–and I feel the disgusting feeling of nostalgia, the heart-breaking feeling of nostalgia–I’m vindicated in my resolve. If I can’t have the experience back, then why flirt with it? Do I enjoy pain? Shall I enjoy grief? And so I pretend that emotions are scarce. Feeling is a sacred, pure thing reserved for lofty notions. I’ve always known better than those who lose themselves at rock concerts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s a frightful thing, the power that music can have on my emotions. It’s a frightful thing, my emotions. When reason reigns, and feeling has no reason, then feeling only threatens. Feeling is responsible for the arbitrary associations I find in my neurology. A smell, a sound, a rush of memory. The object, for me, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/evanlenz.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}